Post 6 - Control is an Illusion: A Reminder for Myself

I’ve mentioned a few times that I’m working on being more present in the moment this year. April was a tough month because I was challenged quite a bit. I received surprising news about a betrayal that hurt me deeply. To cope, I quickly turned to unhealthy thinking patterns, overanalyzing and dissecting every aspect of what happened. I then allowed my fear of what could happen to propel me into a state of future possibilities, and I got locked in an endless loop of anxiety. I couldn’t enjoy the present moment because I was too busy letting the what-ifs steal my today. Finally, someone said to me, “What would happen if you stopped and just celebrated the victories of the moment? Why can’t that be enough for right now?” These words stopped me dead in my tracks. It wasn’t the first time I heard something like this, but it was the first time I listened. In that moment, I did something that I rarely do. I let down all my walls and took a seat at the table of the present moment.

You see, most of my life I’ve been a vigilant warrior. Always prepared for battle and ready to do whatever was needed to survive. It’s not a physical battle but a mental one that has consumed my days and years. I’ve built a reservoir of tools to help me along the way, and I’ve had many victories, but still, somehow, the war has persisted. The mental exhaustion and toll on my body from this constant state of readiness has been relentless.

This year, when I started to work on being more aware of my presence in my body, I quickly noticed how much I’m not in my body. This past month, I’ve realized even more how much time I spend in my head worrying about and trying to control outcomes for situations that haven’t even happened yet. I wear myself out with all these thoughts of everything that could go wrong. I try to dissect and analyze instead of breathing, feeling, and being in the moment. I’ve had to work hard to be present. This is why meditation has always been a great tool for me. It’s all about being in and accepting the moment. It’s not a natural thing for me, but I do find a lot of peace when I can surrender to the moment.

There’s something very beautiful about sitting and drinking a cup of tea and just doing that one thing without allowing thoughts of the future or past to come in and rob me of the current moment. When triggered, I don’t have to go back to the little girl who was scared and react from a place of fear. Instead, with practice and commitment, I can stay present, grounded in my body, and connected to now. I can stop trying to understand everything that happened and why; I can take a step back. It’s not healthy for me to get obsessed with every detail. Either things will work out, or they won’t. I know it’s easier said than done, but all I can do is be me. I can show up authentically, knowing that I will be accepted or not. I have no control over others, but I can always choose me. I can embrace the notion that just because something fails, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. Perhaps the universe is just clearing the weeds so that I can keep moving forward. Making demands and trying to control every aspect of a situation only leads to me losing myself and the moment.

I've spent my whole life worrying about everything. As I have said many times, it’s exhausting, so I’m working on teaching myself to just stop. I have so much stress stored in my body, and that energy needs to be released in a healthy way. I don’t want to live the rest of my life tormented by my own worries and thoughts. I want to focus on the things that bring me joy, the things that fill my soul. I’m so tired of being a vigilant warrior every day, all day. It takes away from me being the best version of myself. It takes away from me being the productive, creative, awesome human being that I am meant to be. I know that change is possible, and I am on the cusp of major change in my life, and that feels positive and exciting. The more that I focus on my own self-care, the stronger I become and better equipped to balance the challenges of the world.

I had a day last week where I was able to put some of these ideas into practice. When future worry showed up, I redirected it to the present moment, and I ended up having such an amazing day. I did not feel weighed down by all these thoughts, and I felt peaceful as I focused on one thing at a time. I was so productive, and I even had a spike in creativity that surprised and energized me. That’s the space that I want to hold for myself. A space that allows me to feel peace, a space that allows me to nourish my creativity, and a space that allows me to rest in trust. Trust that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to and that all things add up to the happiness that I deserve. Even when I don’t recognize what’s happening in the present, to trust and know that I will get to a better place eventually. To trust in God, my ancestors, my guides, the universe that life holds wonderful and magical things for me to experience if I just let go and believe. That is the journey that I’m on right now, and I am fully embracing it. I’m working on letting go of my worries and trading them in for inner peace and joy. This doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly perfect, and I’ve got everything figured out. It’s a practice and a road that will take work and years of unlearning unhealthy habits, but it’s a journey well worth taking.

This control that I’ve been seeking my whole life to fight off fear and all its potential outcomes hasn’t been real. It’s an illusion that somehow going down all these paths in my mind will lead to less pain when something terrible happens. It’s simply not true. I end up creating ten more scenarios in my head that I didn’t have to experience. I need to let go of the illusion of control. I need to trust myself and my inner voice and do what feels good and right in my body. I need to let my body lead more than my head.

So, this is where I am today and a reminder to myself of the path I'm traveling. Thank you for being part of my journey.

Wishing you love, light, and a life filled with authenticit-E.

Estella